can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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