don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
