This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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