It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
