some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
