what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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