I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
