Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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