I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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