There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
