Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
