Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
