He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
