U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
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just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
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I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize