I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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