I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
This baby is an asshole
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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