I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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