I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
