Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize