You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
