I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
