god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
