I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
