I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
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he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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