I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Is Oprah even human
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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