My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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