Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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