I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
