matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
