I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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