Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
