He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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