Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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