If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
