I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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