Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
