I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
