I can't watch pbs sober anymore
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
