dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
