So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I checked into jail on foursquare
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frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
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Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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