good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
