you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
