I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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