I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
