Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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