happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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