I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I deserve this hangover.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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