Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
