Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
