This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
it was like eating out sand paper
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
