Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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