ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
