the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
