we were pretty classy up until the second keg
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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