does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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