I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you