so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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