I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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