Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
