sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
